Moving on.

I'm deleting this blog.
It's something I think I knew was coming for a very long time but didn't want to entirely give up without trying to keep it going. I can't do it anymore. I love this blog and it's something I slowly started taking pride in.
Since I started this blog, I had the hardest time finding my voice and keeping up with the other blogs. I tried doing it on my own time and at my own pace but I couldn't. I forced ideas and pushed projects without taking the proper time to carefully construct them.
I'm going through a pretty difficult time right now. I'm keeping my head up and staying positive but this blog has lost all joy to me.
I plan on opening another blog. It's not going to be like this, though. I might do a few projects here and there but I don't plan to do a repeat of this blog. I want it more personal and I want to be able to look back on it years down the road and see how much I've changed and be able to see what I've been through.
I'm at a low right now. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what I want or where I'm headed and that scares me. I know I'll figure it out, though.
I'd love to continue the relationship I have with so many of you guys and I'll definitely be re-adding you when I make the new blog.
I now need a name and I think I want to try Wordpress.. something different.
Any ideas?

Things I'm afraid to tell you.

Jess of MML posted a few weeks ago about the things she was afraid to tell her readers. Since then, it's taken a whole new meaning to the blog community and it's really shown another side to bloggers. I love the honesty a blogger portrays when they take the time to post about their personal lives, especially when they're not so positive. I understand it shouldn't be all the time, but I'm attracted to a blog that can show more than the happy side to their lives. I've decided I'd post about a few things, too. 

// My anxiety is getting increasingly more hard to manage. I've always been able to handle it, but lately it's been there as soon as I wake up and it takes awhile to go away. I hate that I'm not myself in the morning. My anxiety even gets bad when I've got to go somewhere on my own. 

// Although I've gotten better, I'm still a very negative person. No matter what, I always think about the negative side to a situation. 

// The death of my grandfather changed me forever. I still don't think I've accepted the fact that he died. The whole situation is extremely sad and the outcome is just as bad. I miss him so much and I wish I could have just one more conversation with him. 

// I over think EVERYTHING. Lately, a few people have told me this, which.. to a point I'm okay with. Whenever something new comes into my life or a situation proposes itself to me, I think of every side to it and every possible outcome. If there is a negative aspect to it, I can't get it out of my head. Sometimes I have to tell myself to just go for it, I don't want to dwell on it, waste time and then decide not to do something. 

// I'm one of the most emotional people I've ever met. I've cried countless times reading on my Kindle.. (seriously?!) Movies make me cry and even documentaries. Any situation that deals with death will make me tear up. The other night, when Amendment one passed, I bawled for a few hours. I just felt so bad for those people in North Carolina that were hoping to get married and were denied it because people are so close-minded. 

I even let my emotions take over with people I get to know. When I first meet someone and I really enjoy them, I become sad when they leave. I'm terrified I'll never see them again (I am absolutely plagued with the fear they're going to die before I see them again) I've never been the kind of person with a lot of friends, so when I meet someone whose company I actually enjoy, it's hard. 

// I care what people think. Too damn much. For some reason, I care what others think of me and my actions, even the people I don't get along with. I don't want people to have this negative judgement of me. It's crazy and I'm coming to terms with not giving a damn but it isn't easy. 

// I really really want to write a few books. I have a ton of ideas in my head and I think it would be a lot of fun, but I haven't really told anyone. For some reason, I have this odd outlook on people who write books. At least, people who say they want to. When people say they're writing books on their own, without being asked to.. I feel like it'll never get published and it'll be a complete waste of time. I'm afraid it'll never get picked up and to be honest, my grammar is pretty shit. A lot of people think "Oh, I'm going to write a book" and it just gets pushed to the side and never happens. I guess I don't want to tell people I'm writing a book in case it just never happens. 

// I love to swear. I try to keep that separate from this blog, though. I really have the mouth of a trucker. Although I do swear, I know when it's not appropriate to use, especially at work or in a public place. 

It felt pretty great to get all of this out. I'd love to read some of yours if you decide to post!